I believe that everyone has a mental health journey. This may be the hardest post of my life, but it will be as real and honest as possible.
Part one: diagnosis
It was like walking on ice my whole life. I’d say one wrong thing and I’d end up alone…
My second year away from home at University is one of my least
The guy I was seeing dumped me because of something our mutual friend had gossiped to him. I failed my symbolic logic course. My life was a mess, and I wanted answers.
Living on campus, I went to the medical building where I saw a physician regularly. In a panic I asked her
What is wrong with me? I keep losing my friends, I can’t focus in school, and I don’t want to leave my room. Tell me what’s wrong with me, please.
I begged her for an answer. She opened her little book of symptoms and diagnosis’s and read from one.
Lack of Self
Fear of Abandonment
Impulsivity
Substance Abuse
Relationship issues
Intimacy issues
Excessive spending
It became clear. She kept reading and I kept agreeing until I embodied enough symptoms to be diagnosed. She looked up from her book and said
It’s called Borderline Personality Disorder.
I guess, that was it. I had my answers….
Part two: acceptance
As I started to accept this diagnosis, I told my friends, I told everyone who was still close to me. One of my best friends said candidly,
Well that makes sense. I’m glad you found your answer.
My whole life started to make sense. I couldn’t keep my friends around because I was petrified of being abandoned. It dawned on me that most of these issues came from my childhood.
I was bullied as a child. When I was nine years old I broke my two front teeth, and as I got them fixed, they got discolored.
I was bullied because of my eye color. In grade 6 I got contact lenses to finally rid myself of my thick magnifying glasses. When I first wore makeup, they bullied me too.
I spent a lot of time looking outside for acceptance, rather than accepting myself first.
Bullying is not an easy thing to deal with. I have to remind myself constantly that none of the bullying was about me. Bullying is never about the person it is addressed towards, but a reflection of the bully’s internal feelings that they aren’t able to process fully.
Part three: therapy
The main therapies are drugs for
The other option is called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
I tried everything; Ativan, Lorazepam, Cipralex, Prozac and Abilify, even Trazodone and Wellbutrin. Nothing seemed to work for me.
Eventually, Prozac became the one that worked for me. Most likely because I also struggle with general anxiety and dysthymia.
I went through phases of seeing psychologists and looking up dialectic behavioural therapy groups.
These all require excessive testing, financial investment, and waiting lists. Especially the DBT groups.
The one I found cost over $2000 and at that time my family was not supporting my search for therapy.
It’s a tricky thing for me. One of my family members struggled with depression for their whole life, and so all of the attention was focused on helping that person.
When it became my turn to deal with mental health, there was no comparison in terms of severity or need.
The mere fact that I could function meant less concern in comparison to my other family member.
At the high point of my mental health issues, this made me extremely angry.
I went through a period of suicidal thoughts.
I t
hought about how worthless my life was, and how badly I just wanted to be free from these feelings of disgust, shameand anxiety about whether I could make it in life.
It was even more difficult as a graduate student.
I tried to take a year off for mental health reasons, after dating a really destructive person. Then my family dog passed away suddenly,
Thankfully, the department I was part of was extremely understanding and compassionate toward mental health.
Getting extensions on my papers was a matter of documentation and proof of medical issues.
Remember that whatever you’re going through, you’re not the only one who has felt lost, unwanted, and worthless.
I eventually found my way into the budding world of mental health apps. I used one called Stigma for a couple months. This app has a cool feature where they match you with an anonymous penpal, who you can talk to whenever you’re having a bad or good day, about anything.
Having that support system helped me tremendously!
Family is great, but when there are feelings of exclusion within it, or being unseen and unacknowledged, then extending into a supportive community outside of the family is healthy.
Part four: conquering myself with spiritual personal development
Last year I spent a lot of my summer reading Eckhart Tolle’s books.
Currently, I am finding that accepting myself as a spiritual being having a human experience is proving to be the most effective.
Perhaps because it reminds me there is more to life and I am here for a bigger reason.
This is just part of my journey that I must deal with in order to get to my higher purpose.
What works for me, may not work for you. Hopefully something I express here will give you an idea of how to find strength and conquer yourself.
Adversity is necessary to breed character.
I feel as though I am finally on that upward climb, and it feels like a glide right now.
It isn’t without struggles.
Last year a friend of mine who I met at University had a child.
I love kids and went a couple of days after to meet her beautiful baby girl.
Eventually, she had a Christening for her daughter, and I decided to spend a couple of days with her.
Now, I don’t know why this happened, whether it was my smoking habit that had formed because of my emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend, or because of something I said that offended her.
Even after seven years of friendship, it only took her a split second to tell me I couldn’t stay with her anymore.
I didn’t see it coming at all. I grabbed my stuff, said bye to her dogs, who were like my own.
In a fit of anger I told her
All I want is to be loved, what did I do wrong?
This is a thought that occurred consistently for me after she kicked me out.
I called my other friend who is in a different city, and we talked endlessly about how she was never the best friend I could have had and she was holding me back.
As true as this is, I felt bad for putting that negative spin on our friendship.
I struggle with caring too much about what others think, and how other people feel.
I lost another friend in March, when she continued to perceive me as someone who brought drama with her.
When this occurred, I was at a point of extreme growth, and no matter what I said to her, it was not enough to change how she thought of me.
I had to let go.
It took her two months to realize that what we fought about was not just me being defensive toward her, but her own misstep as well. I forgave her and we attempted to move on.
Then we had a causal conversation about Faith while on the transit system in our city and she said
I don’t have a reason to have faith in my life right now, I’m only 25, I don’t need to have faith in anything until I’m older.
Normally I don’t judge, and I always do my best to be empathetic and accepting of other peoples way of seeing the world.
For me, this hit a sore spot. Faith is not something that has an age limit. Faith is not something that you need a reason to have.
I needed to let go.
There is a lesson in every relationship we find ourselves in.
Whether it’s the friend from elementary school who suddenly available, or the boyfriend who was emotionally abusive.
B
After spending 24 years in the education system, I got hit with a wave of reality.
It is difficult to find a full-time position
I spent a lot of time self-medicating with cannabis and pursuing a writing career.
This lead to the creation of Philosopherontherun.
One creative high and an impulsive decision later, I had a blog!
It symbolized something concrete to work on, something to put all of my unused energy into.
Except, I procrastinate… flashforward two years, and I am working part-time, volunteering, dog walking, and finally feel whole enough to work on this blog.
The lesson these endings taught me is simple; be independent.
I have learned, in the most difficult way possible, that the Universe is trying to teach you something when it sends you difficult situations.
Some books that have helped me include;
The Universe has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein
Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling by Wayne Dyer
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
A post on all three of these books and how to get the most out of their philosophies is coming soon!
In the meantime, I hope that reading this long and personal piece helped you or someone you love in a meaningful way.
My hope is to spread
With love and light,
Stay true, stay weird.
Kristi